An Unfaithful Partner - CAN IT BE TRUE? How do you Know for Sure?

What is infidelity?

in·fi·del·i·ty

Pronunciation: in-fə-de-lə-tē

Merriam-Webster On-Line defines infidelity this way:
1: lack of belief in a religion
2: unfaithfulness to a moral obligation : disloyalty : marital unfaithfulness or an instance of it

Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia provides this definition:

Infidelity can be defined as any violation of the mutually agreed-upon rules or boundaries of a relationship, and is a breach of faith in an inter-personal relationship.

Sexual infidelity in marriage is sometimes called adultery, philandery or an affair and in other inter-personal relationships it is sometimes called cheating. A man whose wife has committed adultery is referred to as a cuckold, but no equivalent word exists for a woman whose partner is a cheating husband.

Infidelity is not inherently sexual in nature, although certain acts of infidelity could be sexual.

What constitutes an act of infidelity varies between and within cultures and depends also on the type of relationship that exists between people. Even within an open relationship, infidelity may arise if a partner to the relationship acts outside of the understood boundaries of the relationship.

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Human pain does not let go of its grip at one point in time. Rather, it works its way out of our consciousness over time.
There is a season of sadness.
A season of anger.
A season of tranquility.
A season of hope.

Robert Veninga

We must accept finite disappointment, but never lose infinite hope.

Martin Luther King Jr.

Infidelity Statistics

IS YOUR PARTNER A CHEATING SPOUSE? WHAT ARE THE ODDS?

The very nature of infidelity creates difficulty in developing accurate statistics. The below information represents a compilation of data developed at different times and by various sources. Please keep that in mind as you review this information.

A survey by the National Opinion Research Center out of the University of Chicago found that 25 percent of men had been unfaithful and 17 percent of women. Other surveys indicate that 41 percent of married individuals admit to either physical or emotional infidelity. The percentage of men who admit to committing infidelity in any relationship that they have had is 57 percent while women admit to having an unfaithful relationship at some time 54 percent of the time.

Additional surveys indicate that perhaps only 35 percent of unions survive a cheating spouse. It is estimated that sixty five percent of marriages break up because of adultery with the primary reason being emotional affairs. Surveys agree that many affairs begin in the workplace..

According to Annette Lawson, author of Adultery, published in 1989 by Basic Books. "The various researchers arrive at a general consensus…suggesting that above one-quarter to about one-half of married women have at least one lover after they are married in any given marriage. Married men probably still stray more often than married women—perhaps from 50 percent to 65 percent by the age of forty."

According to Maggie Scarf, author of Intimate Partners, first published in 1987 by Random House, re-issued in 1996 by Ballentine. "Most experts do consider the 'educated guess' that at the present time some 50 to 65 percent of husbands and 45 to 55 percent of wives become extramaritally involved by the age of 40 to be a relatively sound and reasonable one."

According to Peggy Vaughan, author of The Monogamy Myth, first published in 1989 by Newmarket Press (third edition published 2003). Conservative infidelity statistics estimate that “60 percent of men and 40 percent of women will have an extramarital affair. These figures are even more significant when we consider the total number of marriages involved, since it's unlikely that all the men and women having affairs happen to be married to each other. If even half of the women having affairs (or 20 percent) are married to men not included in the 60 percent having affairs, then at least one partner will have an affair in approximately 80 percent of all marriages. With this many marriages affected, it's unreasonable to think affairs are due only to the failures and shortcomings of individual husbands or wives."

Some experts in the field have said that a gut instinct is the most powerful indicator of a cheating lover. Unspecified adultery statistics have stated that 85 percent of woman who feel their lover is cheating are correct and 50 percent of men who feel their lover is cheating are right.

The first clue to identifing cheaters is seldom obvious. Typically, it's a "feeling" that something is different. Various cheating spouse statistics have indicated that between 50 and 70 percent of married men (between 38 and 53 million men) have cheated or will cheat on their wives.

Surveys vary but one study found that approximately two thirds of the wives (26 to 36 million women) whose husbands were cheating had no idea their husbands were having an affair - largely because they failed to recognize various telltale signs.

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Infidelity in the News

Articles ABOUT INFIDELITY

Cheating Politicians "Why Politicians and Public Figures Cheat on their Mates" by Ruth Houston, Infidelity Expert
"In the wake of the sex scandal surrounding New York Governor Eliot Spitzer, and the tens of thousands of dollars he's spent over the past few years on high-priced call girls from an elite prostitution service, one question is uppermost on everyone's mind:..."

AAMFT Consumer Update - Infidelity "After the devastating disclosure of infidelity, intense emotions and recurrent crises are the norm. The good news, however, is that the majority of marriages not only survive infidelity, but marriage and family therapists have observed that many marriages can become stronger..."

6 Reasons Why Women Cheat. Is Your Relationship at Risk? By Norine Dworkin-McDaniel"Hillary Clinton became the symbol of long-suffering married women everywhere when she famously stood by her man… twice. But these days when a woman feels dissatisfied in her relationship, she doesn’t just suck it up and complain to her friends over cosmopolitans. She gets a private email account, posts a profile at LonelyCheatingWives.com and starts looking for hookups herself...."

"You're Not Going Crazy It's Normal To Feel Angry, Betrayed, And Emotionally Gutted After The Affair - Now Learn How What To Do" - Dr. Frank Gunzburg "Right now, you are probably feeling as though someone has either punched you in the stomach, stabbed you in the back -- or even both. Finding out your spouse has cheated is like a crazy cocktail of anger, denial, grief ..."

THE NEW INFIDELITY Adultery is alive and well—and it’s happening where you least expect it. "Let’s get something straight: You are not some fedora-tipping Man of the House who comes home from the office expecting the rump roast to be on the table. Nor are you an aging frat boy... "

Infidelity Discovered? 10 Ways to Calm Your Powerful Feelings by Dr. Robert Huizenga, The Infidelity Coach "When you find out about the affair, the first few hours, days and weeks can be emotionally wrenching..."

Extramarital Affairs: When Sexual Addiction and Infidelity Meet by Dr. Robert Huizenga, The Infidelity Coach "One kind of extramarital affair revolves around sexual addiction. The partner involved in the affair, plain and simple, has a difficult time saying "NO." ..."

Infidelity - ONLINE

The Seven Warning Signs of a Cyber Affair

Written by Dr. Kimberly Young
Executive Director
The Center for Internet Addiction Recovery

Taken from the eBooklet "Infidelity OnLine: A Guide to Rebuilding your Relationship After a Cyberaffair."

Online relationships in our homes most impacts couples by the formation of new relationships developed via the Internet. A “cyberaffair” is defined as a romantic and/or sexual relationship initiated via online contact and maintained predominantly through electronic conversations that occur through email or in virtual communities such as chat rooms, instant messaging, or newsgroups. Virtual or online communities allow strangers from all over the world to meet instantly 24 hours per day, seven days a week.

Unlike spouses who catch their husbands or wives in open adultery, a spouse may initially enter counseling with little more than a suspicion of a partner sharing intimate words with another woman or man through the computer. Symptoms may often be masked by realistic and practical use of the Internet for home or work. This can not only be difficult for the spouse to understand, but it can be especially difficult for the treating practitioner to assess, who may be unfamiliar with chat rooms and instant messaging systems, where online affairs often occur. It is then helpful to first develop a common framework to evaluate the situation. Therefore, using the following outline of warning signs as a guide, therapists will be able to make more informed choices and act to intervene more swiftly and successfully in cases of online infidelity.

Change in sleep patterns - Chat rooms and meeting places for cybersex don't heat up until late at night, so the cheating partner tends to stay up later and later to be part of the action. Often, the partner suddenly begins coming to bed in the early-morning hours, may leap out of bed an hour or two earlier and bolt to the computer for a pre-work e-mail exchange with a new romantic partner may explain things.

A demand for privacy - Over 70% of online affairs are kept secret the amount of time they went online for sexual pursuits. Significantly more men (72%) then women (62%) report keeping online affairs a secret. If someone begins an affair whether online or offline they will go to great lengths to hide the truth from their partner. With a cyberaffair, this attempt usually leads to the need for greater privacy and secrecy surrounding their computer usage. The computer may be moved from the visible den to a secluded corner of a locked study, one person may change the password, or cloak all their online activities in secrecy. If disturbed or interrupted when online, they may react with anger or defensiveness.

Household chores ignored - When any Internet user increases his time online, household chores often go undone. That’s not automatically a sign of a cyberaffair, but in a marriage those dirty dishes, piles of laundry, and unmowed lawns might indicate that someone else is competing for the suspected person’s attention. In an intimate relationship, sharing chores often is regarded as an integral part of a basic commitment. When a spouse begins to invest more time and energy online and fails to keep up his or her end of the household bargain, it could signal a lesser commitment to the relationship itself - because another relationship has come between the marriage.

Evidence of lying - The cheating spouse may hide credit-card bills for online services, telephone bills to calls made to a cyberlover, and lie about the reason for such extensive net use. Most spouses lie to protect their online habit, but those engaging in a cyberaffair have a higher stake in concealing the truth, which often triggers bigger and bolder lies, including telling you they will quit.

Personality changes - A spouse is often surprised and confused to see how much their partner's moods and behaviors changed since the Internet engulfed them. A once warm and sensitive wife becomes cold and withdrawn. A formerly jovial husband turns quiet and serious. If questioned about these changes in connection with their Internet habit, the spouse engaging in a cyberaffair responds with heated denials, blaming, and rationalization. Often times, the blame is shifted to the spouse. For a partner once willing to communicate about contentious matters, this could be a smokescreen for a cyberaffair.

Loss of interest in sex - Some cyberaffairs evolve into phone sex or an actual rendezvous, but cybersex alone often includes mutual masturbation from the confines of each person's computer room. When a spouse suddenly shows a lesser interest in sex, it may be an indicator that he or she has found another sexual outlet. If sexual relations continue in the relationship at all, the cheating partner may be less enthusiastic, energetic, and responsive to you and your lovemaking.

Declining investment in your relationship - Those engaged in a cyberaffair no longer want to participate in the marital relationship - even when their busy Internet schedule allows. They shun those familiar rituals like a shared bath, talking over the dishes after dinner, or renting a video on Saturday night. They do not get as excited about taking vacations together and they avoid talk about long-range plans in the family or relationship. Often, they are having their fun with someone else, and their thoughts of the future revolve around fantasies of running off with their cyberpartner - not building intimacy with a spouse.

The above article is provided courtesy of Dr. Kimberly Young, Executive Director of The Center for Online Addiction Recovery . Please follow this link to learn more about this important eBooklet ”Infidelity OnLine: A Guide to Rebuilding your Relationship After a Cyberaffair.”

Additional Cyber-Addiction Information

RESOURCES

Online Affairs By Dr. Kimberly Young - "Online affairs account for a growing number of divorce cases and it is the most frequently treated problem at the Center for Online Addiction...."

Partners of Internet Addicts Test presented by The Center for Online Addiction Recovery "How do you know if your partner may be addicted to the Internet? Impairment to real life relationships appears to the be the number one problem ..."

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Depression - Often Related to the Fear or Knowledge of an Unfaithful Partner

Plain Talk About Depression QualityBooks.com

A depressive disorder is a "whole-body" illness, involving your entire body, mood, and thoughts. It affects the way you eat and sleep, the way you feel about yourself, and the way you think about things. A depressive disorder is not the same as a passing blue mood. It is not a sign of personal weakness or a condition that can be willed or wished away. People with a depressive illness cannot merely "pull themselves together" and get better. Without treatment, symptoms can last for weeks, months, or years. Appropriate treatment, however, can help most people who suffer from depression. Depressive disorders come in different forms, just as do many other illnesses. Some types of depression run in families, indication that a biological vulnerability can be inherited. And even though depression may occur generation after generation in some families, it can also occur in people who have no family history of depression. According to researchers, certain depressive disorders are often associated with having too little or too much of certain neurochemicals. Psychological makeup also plays a role in vulnerability to depression. People who have low self-esteem, who consistently view themselves and the world with pessimism, or who are readily overwhelmed by stress are prone to depression. Major depression is manifested by a combination of symptoms that interfere with the ability to work, sleep, eat, and enjoy once pleasurable activities. These disabling episodes of depression can occur once, twice, or several times in a lifetime. Family and friends are important when it comes to dealing with depression. The most important thing anyone can do for the depressed person is to help him or her get appropriate diagnosis and treatment. This may involve encouraging the individual to stay with treatment until symptoms begin to abate (several weeks), or to seek different treatment if no improvement occurs. On occasion, it may require making an appointment and accompanying the depressed person to the doctor. It may also mean monitoring whether the depressed person is taking medication. Another important thing is to offer the depressed person emotional support. This involves understanding, patience, affection, and encouragement. Engage the depressed person in conversation and listen carefully. Do not disparage feelings expressed, but point out realities and offer hope. Do not ignore remarks about suicide. Always report them to the depressed person’s therapist. Invite the depressed person for walks, outings, to the movies, and other activities. Be gently insistent if your invitation is refused. Encourage participation in activities that once gave pleasure, such as hobbies, sports, religious or other activities. Don’t push the depressed person to undertake too much too soon. The depressed person needs diversion and company, but too many demands can increase feelings of failure. Do not accuse the depressed person of faking illness or of laziness, or expect him or her "to snap out of it." Eventually, with treatment, most depressed people do get better. Keep that in mind, and keep reassuring the depressed person that, with time and help, he or she will feel better.