Infidelity & Divorce
RESOURCES
Seven Sets of Documents You Need For Your Divorce by: Scott Morgan
QualityBooks.com
When you've been the "victim" of a divorce, the first thing you MUST UNDERSTAND and BEGIN BELIEVING is that YOU ARE NOT GOING TO DIE BECAUSE OF IT- Regardless of how badly you feel, you must realize that it has happened to millions of people before you; it is happening to countless people every day; and it will continue to happen to millions of people so long as there is love, marriage and divorce.
Although you may never have felt such pain in your life before, YOU WILL GET OVER IT. It takes time, but you will recover and find love again. It's imperative that you understand this, and believe it, even if you have to write it in big letters on your bedroom mirror, type it out on a 3 x 5 card you carry with you in your wallet, or say it aloud to yourself every hour on the hour.
You must at the same time, understand that people suffering from divorce go through certain predictable phases of thinking and acting as they begin to recover. In order to cope with the insecurity, uncertainty, and emotional damage you've suffered, you should understand that it's only natural that you go through each of these phases, and that as a result, you will again be a happy person.
Perhaps the second hardest thing the person who has been "victimized" in a divorce has to do is let go. It's vitally important that you immediately let go of the other person; realize that the marriage is over, and begin setting your own life in order.
Of course all of this is much easier said or written than done, but these things you must do, and you must do them - or get started on them - immediately. You've got to think about yourself - finding some sort of work with which to support yourself, and maybe your kids; writing out a plan for the management of your money; figuring out your transportation needs; and what you're going to do to fill your spare time.
You cannot allow yourself to just sit and waste away! You've got to take hold of yourself and go on living! You can do it, and you must! The best way is to busy yourself with all the planning you've got to do, and all the things you've got to do to make those plans pan out. Sit down with paper and pencil immediately, look at your situation as it really exists, and lay out a "road map" of things that you're going to have to do in order to survive.
In the meantime, the pain will still be there but you've got to keep forcing yourself not to think about it or dwell upon what was yesterday. The more you think about the past - what went wrong and why it happened to you - the worse it's going to hurt, and the longer it'll take for you to recover.
What has happened to you can be likened to a cut on your hand: It hurts, and you bleed, but you wash it off, perhaps apply some medication, then a bandage and allow time as well as the healing processes of the human system to make it all well again. So it is with the dissolution of a marriage, but the bottom line is still: You must cure yourself of the hurt before you can be happy again.
You're going to feel lonely, lost and deserted. You're going to grieve. You are going to mourn the loss of your loved one. You're going to deny that it's over, and think of it as a bad dream. You may fall into a state of deep depression and pretend that it's only a game that will soon end.
In order to counter these feelings, you must try to keep yourself busy - cleaning the house, washing your car, writing out a budget, studying and/or working - you must force yourself to "keep moving and working" on the kinds of things that make you self-sufficient as well as a person that can hold his or her head up in any crowd or situation.
You're going to become so angry that you'll want to do things "just to spite" your lost loved one. Women in particular, have a difficult time coping with the anger phase. They become bitter because of the rejection they feel, the abandonment, and what they consider the lack of honesty on the part of their former husbands. It manifests itself as a result of final property settlements and child support agreements. They sometimes withhold visitation rights with the children in order to punish or get their point across.
You must understand that anger is the process of projecting onto another person, your own sense of hurt and frustration. Anger is a natural feeling in a stressful situation. Regardless of how it's done, you must express the feelings of anger you're carrying or they'll "eat you alive!" The important thing is to understand that it's a natural feeling as a result of a divorce, and that you have to let these feelings out - get rid of them - before you can truly go on to become a happy person. The best way to deal with anger is to know precisely what you're angry about - write it down on paper - and then pick the most appropriate method as well as time, to express your anger to the person that has made you angry.
Another phase you'll be going through is one of all-consuming guilt feelings. If I hadn't of, or if I had done this or that differently, or if only I had been a little more understanding. The more you dwell upon this kind of thinking, the deeper you'll fall into the trap of self-martyrdom which allows you to think of yourself as a loser, a failure, and not deserving of happiness.
You must drive those feelings of guilt from your mind as quickly as they appear! Simply tell yourself that it didn't work out; it's over, and you've got to things to do in order to survive. Understand and believe that you will recover; then plan what you're going to do, and start moving in that direction.
Still another phase you'll experience, is one of reconciliation. This is when the victim calls the lost loved one on the phone or writes letters, expressing undying love - acceptance of all the blame for the divorce - and promising to change to fit the needs and demands of the other person. This is when the victim disregards all his or her own needs and reaches out for the other person without pride.
Remember this: If your lost loved one does not want you, then you must cease to worry about him or her. You must take hold of yourself - your own ambitions for happiness and the kind of love you want - and first plan how you can attain these things, and then set about towards the eventual achievement of these goals.
You must forget about your ex-husband or ex-wife just as quickly as you possibly can! You must immediately see yourself as someone who's self-supporting and the only person on the face of this earth with the final say about how happy you can be. Difficult, yes - but the sooner you realize this and take charge of your own life, the sooner "what once was" will be forgotten and You'll find happiness again.
No one should throw themselves at the mercy of someone who doesn't want them. Each and every human being in this world is ruled by personal pride in himself. To "give up" one's pride is to give up one's life. Compromises and promises to make changes - followed by sincere efforts to do so are necessary to the ability of "couples" to get along with each other. But to disregard one's personal pride, is to become a non-entity.
The final phase you'll be going through will be one of acceptance. This is when you are no longer bothered by thoughts of your lost loved one all day long; when you're able to talk about him or her without a tug at your heart, and when you've accepted the fact that your marriage is really over: This is when you say to yourself that if he or she doesn't want me, than I don't want him or her. This is when you've got a handle on what you have to do in order to rebuild your life and get on with it, and you're doing just that!
As human beings, all of us have a brain. Because each of us has a brain, we all have feelings that manifest themselves emotionally in one form or another. No one is perfect, and thus, though we usually try with everything we've got to handle our problems with expertise, we usually fall down at least once or twice along the way. It's important to understand one's self as a human being, and to try to get a handle on our ambitions for true happiness - but if we should fall down along the way, we have to pick ourselves up and try again. This is likened to a baby learning to walk - he may take a small step or two, and then fall down, but unless he picks himself up and tries again, he'll never learn to walk.
Don't be afraid of being alone! Think about your own ambitions, and the kind of happiness you'd like to enjoy. Remember that loneliness, boredom and unhappiness are indeed, self-induced - determine that you want to be happy and then reach for it with all you've got!!!
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How To Rebuild Your Life After a Divorce
QualityBooks.com
Suddenly you're single after years of marriage. This always results in a serious blow to the old ego of at least one of the persons involved. It's a traumatic experience - a time that's very difficult to live through - and a feeling that isn't easy to recover from - yet life does and must go on.
When divorce occurs, and you feel as though your life has been shattered, the first thing you should do is start leading the life of a single person immediately! You should force yourself to make a date at least once a week. Start noticing other people, join in the activities of the singles crowd, and get back into the swing of things.
Indeed, the sooner you start dating, even if it's only dinner with someone you work with, sooner the pain will subside. Basically, you should just out and not concern yourself with the "yes or no" possibilities of a sexual encounter. It's most important however that you don't expect too much of yourself too soon. Generally it takes about two years for the victim of a divorce to get over the hurt and for most of the scars to heal. Anyone thinking or believing they're ready for any kind of permanent relationship in less time, is probably living in a world of make believe and heading for a repeat of past mistakes.
Numerous "brief" sexual encounters are the usual pattern of recently divorced persons. The are usually quite useful in rebuilding one's self-esteem. By the same token, extended periods of celibacy usually follow a couple of weeks or a month of feverish sexual activity. These times are also normal and useful in the overall healing process. Often-times older persons suddenly find that achievement makes them attractive to the opposite sex. Prestige and age are attractive, but in divorced persons, they are very often an aphrodisiac. The bottom line is simply that younger people often have "affairs" with those older than themselves, but usually, they want "permanent partners" closer to their own age. In other words, prestige and age will get you sex, but it will very seldom bring you love.
As a newly divorced person, you'll probably experience several "transitional relationships." These are also a necessary part of your healing process, and though you may think you care a great deal about them at the time, it's best that you remember these are only temporary encounters with transitional partners. You needn't feel guilty about breaking off one of these relationships because you may very well be someone's transitional partner later on in your life.
Your best opportunities for meeting new friends and possible marriage partners are within the normal course of business and social events. It's also generally within your best interests to join in the activities of a local Singles Organization such as Parents Without Partners or Singles International. Then too, you should ask your friends and co-workers to introduce you to people they know that you might enjoy.
With your dates, you should avoid talking about your ex-spouse. If you feel you have to talk about your divorce, pick a special friend or attend some of the organized "rap sessions" for divorced persons in your area. You should also avoid introducing your dates or new friends too quickly to your children. Such introductions too quickly can have innumerable adverse effects on everyone concerned. You'l1 find that sexual freedom and less formal lifestyles have definitely changed the etiquette of dating over the last few decades. As an example, a man should not be surprised if after asking a woman out a few times, she asks him out. And a woman should not be hesitant to ask a man out for a backyard barbeque or even to a movie she'd like to see. Men should also realize that women make up their minds about sex more quickly these days than in years past. A woman of today generally isn't thought of as being a loose woman if she decides to sleep with a man on the first date.
Much of the romance and magic of the traditional courtship game still works. Soft music, candlelight, and good food are still very much in vogue. Even the grand gesture of an evening on the town in style or a spur of the moment trip to the beach or to a hideaway in the mountains.
Regardless of the pain, the bitterness, or exasperation, it's essential that you remember your children and continue to be a good parent. In fact, you should do all within your means to be a better parent than you may have been before the separation. This is because regardless of how they seem to be taking it, or what they do or don't show, divorce is more often than not harder on the children than on the parents. They usually become much more curious about your day-to-day routine, who you're seeing and your happiness. Just remember, time and people will cure all your ills, and you will be happy again!
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How To Regain Your Self-Confidence After a Divorce
QualityBooks.com
Regaining one's self-confidence following a divorce is not an easy thing to do. As we've stated in all the previous articles within this series of reports on how to recover from a divorce, the blow to your inner-being is traumatic and long-lasting. Probably the first thing you should do is to take stock of yourself and set about improving the way you look. This could mean a new hairdo, a haircut, new makeup, and new clothes. Get yourself organized to look your best, because when you feel that you look good, you will look good.
It's easy to spot people who have suffered traumatic experiences because of the way they look. Their appearance, their clothes, the way they talk and act - it's all quite apparent to an observer that these people feel down and out - they feel that life has played a dirty trick on them - and their self-esteem is not very high. The next thing you should do is get involved in some sort of meaningful work. If you're already a part of the working force, ask for more responsibility or more challenging assignments. Get involved in the areas in which you excel, and show your bosses as well as yourself what you can do with exemplary expertise. Take stock of the promotional opportunities where you work - set your sights on a better position - and go for it.
If you're out of work or don't have a job, then take stock of the things that you can do, make up or have a resume of your capabilities typed out, look in the newspapers - the yellow pages of your telephone book - visit your state employment office, and the employment agencies in your area - submit your resume and get yourself a job. Nothing boosts a person ego, self-esteem, personal confidence, and inner dignity like getting a job Don't be discouraged - part of the reason it's so hard to find a job is because of the trauma you're experiencing - keep trying and you'll succeed.
If you're retired or well-off to the extent that there's no need for you to find a wage-paying job, then volunteer your expertise to organizations and people who will benefit from your knowledge and experience. The welfare agencies are always looking for people to teach others how to keep house, cook meals, and care for children. You might even consider organizing a business or putting together classes of some sort to help people with their problems and/or inexperience.
The next thing you should do is make up a budget to live by, and determine to become the best "money manager" who ever lived. Few people live according to a budget, and consequently, most people are over their heads in debt. Relative to the kind of person you want to become - you want others to think of you as - and the kind of happiness you seek - it is imperative that you learn to manage your money intelligently. Money by itself won't bring happiness, but by using money properly and making it work for you, it can alleviate many of your problems. Somewhere along the line, you've got to know, understand, and work out your transportation requirements. In this day and age, you have to have transportation to get to the places downtown, across town, or even to the grocery store. Don't take anything for granted or expect it to work itself out. Analyze all of your possible needs, consider all your options, and then plan for every situation, including emergencies.
Very definitely, you should give yourself time to relax and socialize with other people. If you haven't been too friendly of late with your next door neighbor, or the people in your block, then get out and renew those acquaintances. Get out of your "closet" and pay them a visit, or invite them into your home for coffee. Let people know that you're alive and well - that you're worth knowing as a friend and neighbor. It may be difficult during this time to do much socializing because everything you see or do reminds you of the past - and with this in mind, it's a good idea to check into the social activities sponsored by your local churches, civic organizations, and even the singles clubs. Don't "go out" to replace the love you've lost or to find the "real true love" of your life. Just go out to be with people, to enjoy yourself, and get your mind off your problems.
No, you won't be able to forget the hurt you've gone through nor become a new person overnight. It will take some time, longer for some people than others. But the important thing is regaining your confidence following a divorce is to know that you are someone of worth - believe it - acknowledge that you can be the kind of person you want to be - set your sights on becoming/attaining all your ambitions - do what's really necessary to fulfilling your dreams, and go for them. This is a new beginning for you. A chance to really prove to yourself that you can do it. Know what you want - be honest with yourself in understanding what you have to do to get what you want - and then let nothing stand in your way until you get precisely what you want. It can be yours, but you have to make it all happen!